I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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