I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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