Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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