Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
