I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
