I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
