just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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