im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My pussy is not your playground.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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