i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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