Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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