Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize