I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize