My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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