If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
