you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
