You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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