You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
