oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
