she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
