her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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