well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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