dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
