Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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