im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
