I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
