my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Still dying that you shit outside
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
