By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
