mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
