My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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