I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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