I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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