i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
