i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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