i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
