i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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