Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's shark week go big or go home
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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