I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
