I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
