So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you traded sex for a burrito?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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