You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think a kid would responsible me up
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize