I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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