what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
