I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
