The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
