I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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