They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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