My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
