my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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