Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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