i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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