doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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