just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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