i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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