I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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