"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
