Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
