Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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