I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
