I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
smell my finger.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My feet surprised me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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