god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
