10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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