I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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