it wasn't lemon gatorade
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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