When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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