I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
