I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
