The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
