Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
