i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
