They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
