If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
