Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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